Saying I Love You the First Time Around
Posted: Tuesday, March 03, 2009
by Lisa Yancey
Regarding Life
Must be simple, right? You want to tell someone that you love them. 1 . 2 . 3 . "I love you." It's only three words! So what's the big deal? The big deal is when you're not sure how the other person feels about you. Do they love you or is it one sided? Is what you're feeling really love, or is it the exhilarating euphoria one gets from great sex? Is it platonic or sibling-like love that you are confusing with intimacy because the person is hot? You need to check and be sure that what you are feeling is actually love. It can be a noun or transitive verb. It can fill you up and take your breath away all at the same time. It's sobering and intoxicating, often leads to a lot of confusion as to how one is supposed to act, be, and live in relation to another-which brings us back to the question...Are you sure what you're feeling is love? No one can really answer that for you. There are some situations where a declaring love may be a bit premature:
* You only recognize these feelings after sex (honey, you enjoy freakin!)
* You feel indebted to the person for some gift or favor
* You're getting compensated for your services (Well, compensation comes in different forms!)
* You find yourself 'in love' every 6-12 months with a different person (a little therapy is needed here)
* You're experiencing something for the first time (some may call this nose wide open!)
If any of the above are true, you may want to give yourself a little more time before confessing feelings of love. It may not be that. It's like thinking you're having a heart attack, when it's really gas. No need to sound the alarm. If you're sure that what you're feeling is LOVE, then you have few common situation factors that you must consider in determining the best approach and message.
SITUATION FACTORS
* You're not sure that the person feels the same way about you
* You have been friends with the person for a while, but you'd like to broaden that friendship into a relationship
* Same situation as the above bullet (friends for a while), but the person is the same sex and has, up until this moment, been in heterosexual relationships
* OR, they have experienced same-sex relationships and this is YOUR coming out moment. [This adds another consideration dimension that I'll discuss further below]
* You're afraid that saying, "I love you," will create new expectations that you may not want to commit to
YOUR GENERAL SENTIMENTS
Same sex situation factor adds another layer of consideration, I'll separate that general message suggestion from the other three.
Three General Sentiments:
1) When you're not sure that the person feels the same about you;
2) When you're friends with the person and you want to broaden the relationship;
3) You're afraid that saying, "I love you" will create new expectations that you or them may not want to commit to;
There's something I need to talk to you about, and I'm not sure exactly how to say it. I know. I'm supposed to just say it, right? But, I'm nervous for some reason. So, here goes- I think I'm falling in love with you. I don't mean to add any pressure or strain on our current relationship, but I needed to tell you how I feel. I think about you all of the time. I adore you and would like the opportunity to love you.
Your General Sentiment for confessing love to a friend, who up until this confession, had never experienced a same sex relationship OR is learning for the first time that YOU are thinking about a same sex relationship.
[Okay...first let me note that more often than not, this situation will happen amongst women. Call me nave, but...generally, at least here in the US, men aren't going to put themselves out on a limb like that unless they are coming out to a friend who is already gay OR know for a fact that their attraction is not going to offend the person. It's a little different with women. They're already half way there! No seriously, women are generally nurtured to be supportive when a person is being vulnerable.]
Now with that said, here's the General Sentiment: There's so much going on inside of me right now, I don't know how to sort this out. There are some real truths that I have to deal with in being honest with myself. I know that we can talk about everything, but I'm not even sure where to begin. Well, I'm learning some very new things about myself now. During this discovery, other things are also becoming clear to me, one of which is that my feelings for you are changing. I know. Who knew? I sure could not have predicted it in the beginning. The truth of the matter is that I'm falling in love with you. Now, I don't expect anything from you. I know that you're probably shocked and don't know what to say right now. It's all good. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Note: These are general sentiments. Apply to your situation accordingly.
SAMPLE WORDS & PHRASES
* At some point in our hanging out, getting to know each other, and becoming friends, I fell in love with you
* I'm not sure exactly how you are going to react to this, but I have to tell you. I am so feeling you.
* I think I'm falling in love with you. What do you think we can do about that?
* I find myself in a very wonderful, but potentially awkward, yet very interesting space. I'm falling in love with you and I don't know how to stop it. If you don't feel the same, then spare me the shame and burst out laughing.
* I think I'm about to jump out of a plane, and I'm not sure if I'll have a parachute. Here goes..."I'm falling in love with you and I don't know how you feel about it."
* Hey you...can you believe that I am falling in love with you? - How do you tell someone that you are falling in love with them, when you're not sure how they will react?
WARNINGS!!!
* Don't make it too heavy. You don't know where the other person is, so keep it light.
* Don't create a situation where the person feels obligated to give you an immediate response.
* Avoid unusual behavior!! Meaning, if you often cook dinner for each other and eat in the living room, don't all of a sudden light a bunch of candles and play mood music. You're sure to freak them out; and plus it signals what had been familiar to them and comforting has now changed. - This bears repeating-- KEEP IT LIGHT.
SENSITIVITY FACTORS
* Not a good idea to confess your newfound love to a person who is just coming out of a relationship. They are already dealing with a sea of emotions, no need to add to that.
* You also may want to think twice about confessing this love with someone already in a relationship. Now, I intentionally didn't say that this situation automatically precludes you from expressing yourself. Who knows, that relationship may not be what the person wants, and they are just waiting for the right motivation to make a change. - Leave room for the other person to process and then respond.
EXPRESSIVE METHODS.
Best method is in person. You have to see the person's reaction to know how to gauge what you should do next.
* Second best method, if the person is unavailable, or lives in a far location is in a handwritten note or email.
* Now if you're prone to nervousness, you may want to send a note, just to make sure you say what you mean. You can leave the note in a place where the person will find it.
* Whisper it in their ear. Now if it's same-sex situation...then don't.
In general, the most effective delivery is in person. This subject matter requires observance of body language. You want to minimize as much "weirdness" as possible. You have to be there for that.
WHAT TO EXPECT
The person could say any of the following:
*Really, I love you too. (Yeahee for you!!)
* OMG!! When did you start feeling this way?
*Geez...what did you have to go and do that for?" *We're cool, but I'm not interested in you like that. I hope you understand.
*I'm not gay.
*What do you mean? What are you talking about?
* I really don't know what to say right now.
* Thank you for being honest. Do I have to respond right now?
Copyright (c) 2009 Lisa Yancey
--------
Lisa Yancey is one of two incredibly hardworking women spearheading Regarding Life. A writer, lawyer,
consultant, and mentor; Lisa conceived the message card concept in 2002 and collaborated with business
partner Stacey Weihe in making the it what it is today. Their website is at
http://www.regardinglife.com
This Article has been viewed 803 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
No comments yet.We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.